Actually, that isn’t even remotely true; but trite titles are just so much easier to write.

Over the last week I have been in the firing line of three major retailer’s customer service offerings, and I thought it might be of some use to share my experiences because well, it’s good to share. And this fine network they call t’internet is full of disgruntled individuals (and marketing men) looking for consumer views on how the capitalist elite operate, so, here they are…

Number 1. Sainsburys

My life is so sad, that I cultivate great enjoyment from a nice bit of cake. Often a certain coffee cake from the good people at Sainsburys which used to be made with a half-walnut perched on top. Sadly, I have a mild nut allergy and cannot ingest walnut, though I could happily toss the offending item without any adverse effects. Recently however the supermarket decided than instead of a half walnut, a sprinkling of shaved walnut, spread all across the cake would be superior. This is not good news for me, and so I thought I’d email them and let them know their decision had lost them custom. Their response? A profuse apology, explanation as to their methods and a £10 gift card! And I was only emailing to vent my lack of sugar high, I didn’t even expect a response

Number 2. Orange

I’ve been with Orange for a long while (7 years or so), but since they don’t offer anything exciting in the way of handsets I’ve decided to move. They offered me some GREAT deals to stay, but that is not what I want to cover here.

Post contract termination call, Orange (or rather some tit their end) randomly decided to cut off my number 3 days later. Why, who knows but a phone call to Orange had the problem fixed within 20 mins (only 2 of them on the phone) and a £5 credit added to my account as an apology. Good? I say great.

Number 3. Apple

Oh dear, my favourite company in the world have let themselves down here. Well, they had to be crap at something, didn’t they?

My MacBook died t’other day and so, I took it to the Apple Store in London to get it fixed. Fix it they did, but unfortunately they also failed to inform me of this fact and so, it sat for 2 whole days in their basement before I had to chase it up only to find out it was ready for collection. Pretty shoddy, but these things happen. Worse, was a promise from a manager to chase up the guy who allegedly did call me for details (he was on lunch…) and phone me that afternoon with an explanation  (which was all I wanted).

He offered to phone me. He didn’t phone me. Fail.